The most common phrases I hear from parents is, “my child is going through the terrible twos!” “I am exhausted arguing!” “He (She) seems to have a mind of his own!”—often said in a tone of exasperation, accompanied by an eye roll.
In her book A Toddler’s Life, Professor Marilyn Shatz explores how toddlerhood is the time when children begin to experience themselves as separate beings, forming their own perspectives—ones that may not always align with the adults around them.
Is that why the toddler years are so often labelled as “difficult”? Is that why caregivers suddenly feel their once easy going baby has turned into a child who “just doesn’t listen anymore”? Because what we do not understand, we instantly want to disassociate with and label in a negative way to ease our own prosocial stress of being judged.
But what if this is not about us at all? What if this isn’t something to tame?
The adult caregivers around the toddler, often unknowingly, begin to mold this emerging spirit into something more “manageable”.
But does it have to be this way?
The caregivers who break the cycle—who refuse to let the spirit be tamed—are not those who let their children run wild, nor those who exert total control.
They hone.
They walk a delicate balance between guidance and autonomy, boundaries and freedom.
It means offering them a framework – not a leash.
It means showing them how to use their independence with wisdom – not fear.
It means helping them stay connected to their spirit while still existing within a world that often values compliance over reflection.
But here’s where it comes full circle—
What Happens to the Caregiver?
Honing a child’s spirit doesn’t just change the child. It changes the adult too.
Because to raise a child who is free, you must also reclaim your own freedom.
To teach a child to think, you must also challenge your own conditioning.
To guide a child toward independence, you must be willing to question how much of yours was taken.
To enforce respectful boundaries, means to learn how to put a boundary in place and not let others break it down each time.
Has anyone modelled that for us? Are we ready to rewire our brains to respond differently?
Perhaps this is how we undo generational cycles and the way they are unknowingly passed down even though we are pretty sure “I don’t want to be my mother (or father)”. But every time our child exerts their own free will our default kicks in – which is nothing but the way we were spoken to as kids.
Perhaps this is how we leave the world better than we found it—not by passing down compliance, but by passing down the courage to think, to reflect, to choose?
Because in the end, a child’s spirit is not something to break.
It’s something to honour.
And when we do that, we just might find our own again? And perhaps, our inner child heals a little – every single time we reframe our default response
Pallavi is the Co-Founder & CEO at The Nurturant: Transforming early childhood education with holistic, research-driven approaches. She is also the Founder of Tinker Lab, leading a lab school revolution with child-led, inquiry-based learning
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